Saturday, January 9


Ever since I released EDEN last month, I've been trying to hunker down and begin working again. But I feel scattered. I want to work on FOUR CORNERS as well as EDEN. And in mentally going back and forth, I can't focus one-hundred percent on one project. So for the past few day I've been trying to shake myself clear from this fog. This process usually starts with me trying to steer clear of the internet. Most of my time and energy is squandered on frivolous things like Facebook, forums, and email. I miss the days when I didn't have 24/7 access to the internet. It's like a drug to me. While others can coexist with it, I have a difficult time. I believe this come from many different places within me. I've always said that I have ADHD (undiagnosed). I struggled in school--was overwhelmed in college, though I excelled in my art classes. I also have a problem with numbers. Math was my poorest subject. It's like a wall wraps around my brain when math is involved. I use to call it "Number Dyslexia," but I found out the other day that it's an actual disorder called "Dyscalculia." This is the answer I've been looking for. Too bad no one knew about it when I was growing up.

All of this "scatterbrain" stuff is magnified when the internet and procrastination are involved. I feel overwhelmed most of the time, therefore, I get nothing completed. I realize that the best way for me to work is the engulf myself in it completely. This past July, when I stayed at my grandmother's for a month, was like heaven. No internet, no cell phone, no real distractions. I wish everyday was like that--just me and my many characters swimming within my head. But I can't do that here. The internet is a constant presence. It's like a drug addict trying to get clean in a house filled with his/her drug of choice. Willpower is a fragile thing, more precious than gold or diamonds.

Perhaps I need to quit cold-turkey, or strictly limit myself to weekends in the form of one blog entry.

I need to pick one project and stick with it: EDEN or FOUR CORNERS? I'm having loads of fun with EDEN right now . . . Though I miss my FC characters. Ahhhhh!!! *rips out her hair*

To battle perfectionism, this entry will remain imperfect.



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